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Sunday, January 14, 2024

Today would have been my maternal grandmother's 135th birthday. One hundred and thirty fifth! I can't even conceive of that, even though I'm nearly half that number now. 😲 Well, not really - twice my age right now would be 112 (114 in 4 months), but close! My grandmother was 34 when she birthed my mother, and my grandmother, whose name was Madeline, passed away on Feb. 2, 1980, the same year that Mt. Saint Helens erupted. My mom and sister went to the funeral, which was held in New York State, and it was the first time my sister ever flew, and I believe the first time my mother had as well. My first flight wouldn't be until 18 or 19 years later, when I flew to Detroit, MI.

Today has been a whirlwind of emotions for me too. Actually, the entire fucking weekend has been lol. Friday night, Steve and Ian joined me at home after I had gotten off work, and man, I was so grouchy to them. We went to Dairy Queen, and my grouchiness just got worse, I think. I feel so bad about it, but I was so exhausted I didn't even realize what I was doing. Nor do I really understand just why I was so exhausted, but I went to bed before them, and Max (my dog), who has IBD, pooped on the floor a couple of times. Steve woke me up to tell me and I was so exhausted, all I could do was ask if he would take care of it, and I promptly fell back asleep. Saturday we had a great morning, but I had to work, so I left them around 11:40 or so while they went to Sam's and shopping for the afternoon. Thank goodness I wasn't so exhausted Saturday night after I got home! And then today was wonderful, right up until they left to go home. I just had this wave of depression hit me, and thoughts of suicide came rearing up into my mind. I honestly don't know where those thoughts come from, but I'm so tired of them. Once I was able to push them away, however, I realized that I actually feel a dead space inside of myself. I think a part of me died back in August when I learned the truth of what had been going on with Steve, and that part has been dead for 5 months now. My love of plants, the outdoors, etc., were in that space that's dead. It's like this big, dark, empty spot that occasionally I'm aware of (like today) that I just can't seem to fill. Most of the time I'm able to ignore it, though, and that's a good thing. And maybe with the love I have coming to me from Ian and Steve I can eventually cut away that dead part and once more feel fully alive. I tell Ian all the time he needs to think more positively while I have this darkness inside of myself. I do try to listen to my own advice, and 90% of the time, I stay positive and lively. It's that 10% that's a bitch. But, eventually, I was able to cast that darkness back into the back of my mind once again and carry on as normal for the rest of the day.

I also received some excellent news today! Ian's birthday is coming up in three weeks, and he was going to Texas for his birthday weekend, which meant we'd have to celebrate his birthday the weekend before. However, he discovered today that the trip is being postponed for 2 weeks, so he'll be here with Steve and myself for this birthday. We're all very excited over that prospect! I'm going to have to find the perfect gift for him!

Ok, enough of my ramblings for today. Let's get to the pictures! The first 7 pictures below are from Dairy Queen Friday night, of Steve, Ian, and Ian's doll, Cloe. He's restyled her hair, so she doesn't have the front locks anymore. She's such a ham though! Then there's an obligatory picture of Maggie, my cat, then Steve doing everything in his power Saturday morning not to be photographed! The picture of Ian is at Sky Sushi, where we had lunch before I went to work.

The next 8 pics are from Saturday night once I was home from work and in a much better mood! The picture of Max is what Ian sent me Saturday evening while I was still at work. Max had a smile on his face! Probably happy someone was around with him while I was gone!

Then there's a pic of the three of us lying in bed this morning before we got up and got around. The yellow Porsche we saw in Lowe's parking lot, and of course I had to snap a pic of it, as well as a pic of Ian with his new doll, Jade! The next 11 images are of us in Lowe's, including a beautiful selfie of the three of us that Ian snapped with my phone. We had lunch at Wendy's, and that's where the next 3 pictures are from. Then I took a few of Max as he was walking towards the porch in our front yard. Max has deteriorated so much and I am seriously thinking of taking him to have him put to sleep next weekend. But he has some very lucid times too, so I just don't know yet if I will or not. I don't want to wait until he's in so much pain that he's miserable, but I sure don't want to do it too soon, either. I just know I'm going to be so heartbroken when that time comes, whether it's as soon as I think it may be or if it's later down the road.

Putting that sadness behind us for a moment, for Christmas Steve got me a new cookware set, and I used it tonight for the first time. I made myself some Hamburger Helper Lasagna, and then cooked Max's food as well. Each pot and pan came with a sticker in it indicating best practices for using and cleaning, so I stuck one of them to my stove lol. Just a reminder to me about them! The last 3 pictures are of Max and myself just before I started writing up this blog entry. I think I'm going to be taking quite a few pictures of him this week, just in case I do have to go through with the euthanization. Ha, so much for putting the sadness behind!

Oh well, it's that time, faithful reader, for me to wind this up and to get into bed. Now that my shift has changed to an hour earlier, I'm also getting up an hour earlier, and 5:30 comes very quickly! Have a fantastic Sunday evening or whenver you may happen to read this. Love you all! ❤ ❦

George